I’ve been a firefighter since 1999. Consider this my application for fire chief This is based on Gilbert and Sullivan’s “I am the very model of a modern Major-General” from comic opera The Pirates of Penzance. And yes, this song was also used by The Simpsons.

I am the very model of a modern fire officer
An auditor, philosopher and heroic fire slaughterer
I know the laws of leadership and sprinkler heads historical 
From fire pits to hydrant size I quote bylaws categorical 

I can fill out every version of report or requisition
Adorned with many feats of bureaucratic erudition
About atomic orbits I will wax most voluble
And recite atomic masses of most chemicals insoluble
 
I can list historic uses of fungi and mycelium
Or centrifuge and fractionate the isotopes of helium
An auditor, philosopher, heroic fire slaughterer
I am the very model of a modern fire officer
 
My hockey draft selections are always right on principle
In crosswords and sudoku I am practically invincible
My lifelong dedication to high angle speciality
Is the pride and passion of our whole municipality

In respectful workplace training I have multiple certificates
In training all my crews I issue paperwork in triplicate
I’ve mastered all the nuances of gender sensitivity
And memorized the attributes of toxic masculinity

I can sort a 4 way shift trade using differential calculus 
And flambé a baked Alaskan with a rum most fabulous 
An auditor, philosopher, heroic fire slaughterer
I am the very model of a modern fire officer

One day I’ll know the difference between Stillson wrench and halligan
And not mistake on sight a victim for a mannequin
And spot the giant fire before the probie sitting back of me
And prevent routine recurrence of absolute catastrophe

Someday I’ll save more infrastructure than the scorched foundation stones
And pay back all my shift trades and extended tab of cookup loans
Then I’ll navigate each level of municipal bureaucracy
And undermine the policies that promote meritocracy

I’ll lecture on each aspect of the fire tetrahedron 
And compare in depth the PPE of England and Sweden
An auditor, philosopher, heroic fire slaughterer
I’ll be the very model of a modern fire officer

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